People get depression, fake facades come off, affairs happen…you cannot control the other person. Having seen the chaos they appear to have created in many people’s lives I’m really glad to be childfree. So for those who have chosen to be parents, I wish you very well, it is not an easy road you have chosen, but I’m sure it is very fulfilling also. So I don’t have a relationship with those kids anymore after sacrificing like 10 years of my life so if I only knew then what I now know. But if I could turn back time, I would stick to my decision 200% no children. I doubt very much I shall be alone on my boat in my 60’s and 70’s lol. I’ve asked her how she feels about this subject, and she says she got what she wanted from my childhood. I can no longer be around breeders. Whilst I hated looking after my first 3 brothers, I enjoyed looking after my youngest and really devoted myself to him… (I think I did this because I felt guilt for not being a better sister for the first 3 brothers) I fed, clothed, bathed, changed nappies, did school runs etc. They just use you and dump you in a nursing home. Doing all the tasks around kids takes significant amount of time and energy and you just see your life/time slip away without experiencing achievement of what you deem important or positive. You are spot on to allow yourself to feel any emotions that arise( mainly guilt for me), don’t fight them . This article and articles like it fail to carefully consider parental happiness during different life stages. Away, in various senses. My friends don’t understand why I have wasted my life in their issues and to be honest, neither do I. Seriously, stop blogging and start thinking. Then you lose the war and keep telling yourself it wasn’t that bad. Exactly what I needed to hear. Crazy how the bitter anti-child brigade always turn up in these threads. Actually try to achieve something meaningful in life not just reproducing. Registration Number: 64733564 In a world where the chances are high that one day you’ll end up divorced and out of the home, having children is pointless and meaningless. Nature is just lucky some people are so stupid they have kids accidentally and are stuck with a miserable life. The fact that woman do not get any paid maternity leave is pretty shocking to me. In fact, I don’t even feel like a mother and feel like society, my family, and friends have all conspired to make me do this since everyone acts like it’s great before the child is there, and then when you want to complain afterwards, they act like you should have known how horrible it is and you should love how horrible it is. If it did not pop up in as a search result, then maybe it was shared by a parenting (or anti-child, if they didn’t read the article) account. If so, how come you didn’t contribute by telling us how joyful it is to have kids? As a parent of three, one with needs, it is hard to stay in the moment and allow for unrestricted growth. What role does your husband play in the upbringing of this family? I didnt want kids when I was younger because I thought it was quite average to do so and I wanted to be something “remarkable” instead I remember. Keep looking Mike. MOAR! Btw EVERYONE that I know personally who has children, … Is miserable. Hempseed oil is often referred to as “hemp oil,” and it’s harvested by cold-pressing hemp seeds. Fiona’s comment describes 100 percent what I also feel. I already have problems with all these: time demands, energy demands, sleep deprivation (potentially starting a vicious circle), work-life balance disturbances, financial burden. Shame on you who complain. I could argue that having babies is selfish. At 70, with 2 children in their forties and now expecting my first grandchild, I can so appreciate the honesty and wonderful dose of reality here. Little reminder: No ones has to give you their time, just because you feel like you like them. Having kids is total crap. Brave men like yourself are needed to show others what can happen when you jump blindly into a petri dish. I read that in his response as well. I do feel unhappy at times during my parenting journey but overall feel more life satisfaction as this article said. Conforming to societal expectations and norms? Tod, our are very keen to convince everyone that being a parent made you happy. ... Those who understand and accept the archangels for what they are can feel the vibrational frequencies from miles away. Do you not understand how stupid that is? My husband and I are retired YOUNG with lots of money, health, ability to travel, be intimate, sleep in, etc. But I hated motherhood and everything that goes along with it and could not wait for the child to grow up. Woe to the world because of offenses! As a single mother who is the survivor of a relationship frought with abuse and a survivor of past mental and physical abuse, I cannot expect anyone to understand why I chose to have my daughter. Having kids is crap. 1. Being with your child is the happiest you’ve been & better than all things you’ve done under the sun??!! I’ve been noticing a pattern in life where people start off very young (example having a successful, high paying job at 20), get bored of that job within a couple of years, and traded that life to be a stay at home parent instead. Stage2 – Invest majority of all income for 0 to 30yrs plus teach, guide, take responsibility for, make huge sacrifices, etc for investment. If that’s your attitude in life, you’re more prepared to deal with inevitable setbacks. I find myself equal parts scared and excited by the choice, but ultimately I’ve always known deep down that kids are not for me. Because I know from experience that I can’t say, I’m sick, or I’m in a panicky mental state, or I’m overwhelmed with depression and just want to sleep for 20 hours today. It’s disheartening how many people are selfishly only caring about their family. It seems that most posters have a difficult time understanding that a life full of meaning (which is what they are really describing) is not the same as a happy life. Collecting money? Yeah, no wonder why many of us men are still single today. Judge everyone on the inside, not on the age, Wow- there are shit ton of horrible people on this thread.. Do I even dare call you parents? Childlessness and psychological well-being in midlife and old age: An examination of parental status effects across a range of outcomes. No Guarantee how the kids will turn out no matter how well you raised then. Taxation (VAT) Number: NL855806813B01, PositivePsychology.com That means that many content, fulfilled parents who read this article will probably not feel compelled to leave a comment because they agree with the article and have nothing else to add. The emotional toll from their behaviour makes me wish I was dead. It is so hard to find parents who are truthful about their experiences and talk about both the good and the bad (aka the whole picture). You can always imagine NOT having something in your life. I always tell myself “ Do not repeat the same tactics your grandparents and parents did, do better be better”. My last friend just had her second child. a) you obviously don’t have children Ignorance truly is bliss! This comment is getting me through a rough time. When you do give the world to 1 child you can no longer give your all to so many other things…world social issues, your job, your friends, your partner, elderly family members, etc. BUT I think the lack of honesty around this subject feels like a massive conspiracy. I think YOU should go back to school and learn how to read and stop being terminally mediocre. As someone stated you do you and I’ll do me. Hope you find some peace someday. The world sucks. A country where to have success at your job you often have to move away from the support structures that would traditionally make parenting easier. Thx. 1 Corinthians 11:19 For there must be also heresies among you, that they which are approved may be made manifest among you. “How about thinking of others first instead of ourselves? berating themselves for allowing this to happen. In school. Common what bs is this, have children for being taken care off? And yes, I suffer and cried and yelled and what-have-you, and frindship came after some years (just in case you are wondering). Can you expand? How about thinking of others first instead of ourselves? As a caribbean woman on east indian decent i can tell you that we are pressured into believing such. It is hell. I’m so sorry you have no one you can talk to about this. I have also travelled many parts of the world and I have yet to reach the age of 30. And to be friends with our heavenly father… and one day to live forever in a peaceful world with no tears and pain..as ISAIAH 65 vs 23 says.. Some people are adapt to have children and some are not. Ohhhh how clever. I’m with Elke! In Man’s Search for Meaning, Viktor Frankl tells his story of surviving a concentration camp and how this experience led to his theory on the importance of meaning in one’s life (Logotherapy). On the other side, my childless friends are truly some of the most selfless people I know. Thankfully, we live in a world with choice (for the first time in history–more choice than ever before), but it appears that with that choice comes a great deal of cognitive dissonance over the choices made, judging by the comments. @Helena: I really do appreciate what you’re saying. Anyhow, it feels good to read that I am not alone in the childless boat. What’s the point in having any kind of meaning in your life if it just makes you miserable? I think that’s where the empathy comes from. It doesn’t provide any real “meaning.” Everyone can do it, it’s not special, it doesn’t mean you achieved or accomplished anything whatsoever in your life. They may not feel accomplished if they do not reach a certain professional goal. Not bringing them to a life we know they can never escape pain (either physical, mental or emotional?) As rightly pointed that it’s not about having children per se that leads to increased stresses but the expectations, the same being true about marriage!!!. John, this might be the best comment on this subject I have ever read. I like the comment about the unit as a whole instead of just your happiness. info@positivepsychology.com. But yea, don’t use the whole “the world is awful” argument to dissuade people from having kids. I need to get educated on that topic. Thinking of others first instead of yourself? Most people in care homes have dementia to a greater or lesser degree so guess what? They feel I will be alone in my old age with noone to look after. Why would anyone want that life. Please share some reasons why one should have children. 1) Yes I am very happy you are not having children because you would make a horribly selfish mother who in short order would be a manic mess who couldn’t even get out of bed let alone take care of a child. If you know you can have one or two children and they are likely to survive to old age you will most likely only have one or two children. There is an assumption that children are a necessary piece of the puzzle for all people, but the reality is far more nuanced. So I can see how similar principles might apply to having a child. I’ve seen the dark side of manipulative women and absolutely relate to you and Mike, I sympathize with you men. Our expectations of family life has changed dramatically in the last 70 or so years.The media/Hollywood has projected this picture of what a family should be like which is usually picture perfect.This is all bullshit and the more we move away from this thinking the happier we will be. And being 30 I’m quite anxious if I should have child(ren). I have no identity, worth, or value other than preparing food, cleaning the house and wiping butts. I see one genius low down the comments (“John”) even go so far as to say having children is ‘illogical’. Sounds amazing girl 🙂. What is it with people who say “well who will take care of you when you get older”. I think you are spot on. That is a terrible mentality to have. We both work part time in work we enjoy and while we may not be materially rich, but we love our lives and we have time to enjoy them and pursue other interests, even if that means just being able to spend an afternoon pottering in the garden, going for a walk in nature or reading a book. Man’s Search for Meaning Short Summary. Common, As I knew what the future would hold. Funny how people like you like to assert that childfree people are “selfish” yet you spout nonsense like this. Thank you. Mike,don’t give up hope,there are plenty of great woman with good values out there,keep looking,as for the ones who are treating you poorly,just think of it as weeding out the undesirables.Good luck. Other people value their work above all other things. Oh, and how about getting home after work to cook dinner for everyone, and “helping” them with their homework after or anything else teachers tell parents what to do for their children that needs to be completed by such and such dates. That’s what’s wrong with this world. She’s one of the classiest, most well put together people I know. Simple.” — Yeah, that is simple. That more than compensates. Money means nothing unless you have a family to pass it onto, and a family I have …..in droves. With time, many of them have. And I compliment you for being honest! Stumbling upon a dead body hints that you have a rare skill that you have dropped in the past. The baby isn’t the problem, you are and you have some things to fix. I do not regret it. Very interesting questions Dirk. That’s not a good reason to have children, in fact anybody whose motivation to have kids is that is probably going to be a terrible parent. We are not slaves, society is not our master, you are master of your own self and your domain and as a thinking person have a responsibility to make the best logical decisions you can. I cannot believe Leana tries to spit some venom, socialist style, on the American capitalist research. Have no idea why people want to do this. Exactly Rebeca. If I had a chance to go back 22 years ago, I would not have this child. He was an amazing kid and easy to look after. I agree. Just got off the phone with my parents, and no matter how many times I tell them, they keep thinking there’s a possibility that I’ll eventually have kids. Hard to generalise, which is what I’ve tried not to do in the article as well by sticking to research findings, averages. How dare you not want children a womens existence is for procreation! You learn that as you go along as if everyone knew what those dynamics were, essentially nobody in their right mind would do it. Choosing to have kids is the buisness of those who have them and neither side needs to point fingers. I see many people including some family members with kids who messed up their lives once they brought kids into the world. So I am on ‘the flip side’. I do see the beuty of both sides but just trying to be happy with what I have day by day. Besides chronic pain making me mentally unstable. I really like this. Well, so far so good, happy without them for sure. They hauled water from the river to do laundry. There is also programs of young girls wanting to travel and be nannys for roof and food. Hello Teresa I do not have drama, baggage, moaning and groaning and complaining, screaming, shouting. Whatever, seriously I whole hearted agree with the article the happiest we are is before we have kids and after the last one leaves and God help us if we say it in front of them cause the rest of your life you will hear about how traumatized it made them. Forget ever having the energy or rest to do anything else like continue education or seek further work promotion. Having kids is like the Vietnam War. but what about the one who raised 8 kids? Seeing the world through my daughter’s eyes brings me joy. My son took all resources from me, my Mom ( his granny) and his Auntie and he cut of ties with us 2 weeks ago. Actually our species has about 12 years to slow down the warming of our planet. – needs sleep to function I wish more people had the bravery to speak with this kind of honesty. I dread the day something ever happens to us. Your child may owe you its life, but you owe your children the decency of not treating them like an investment in your own retirement plans. Some people value spirituality above all things. Scandal; probably from a derivative of kampto; a trap-stick, i.e. This is a place where people can say their opinions without judgment,they can vent/complain however they like,your not forced to read them. Tell me that you are glad that I am not having any children and I will agree with you. theyre miserable. I thought kids would make me happy and for the most part, they did when they were young. They become successful young, burn out by mid 20s and feel that kids would improve their happiness, but at the end of the day it is simply a different form of stress. And of course what YOU experience is how everybody should also think and feel. If I’m perfectly honest, I even think we are going to have a lot of fun as a family. Cites are running out of water like Cape Town. Hahaha brilliant. Hi Mona, I admire those who have chosen to parent greatly, and loved my own parents dearly (now departed). Happiness damn sure is important. Do it and don’t lecture to people who dont want them about what they are missing. I want my money back from that wedding lol !!!! Historically many societies have offered more freedoms, both political and personal, than our own nation today. As I said before, it’s easy for the single father to bring the children to the park and back home again. Keep up with and b. The point is to recognize the things that you value most, and to make a concerted effort to apply energy to those things. Been there done it never again as long as I live The world is in such a mess because people only care mainly about their own family, they don’t even care about their spouse since divorce is so high, just trade them in for someone else, who cares right? They say that misery loves company and I couldn’t agree more. On a somewhat unrelated topic as well I also stay out of relationships in case I “fall in love” which is just dopamine chemicals produced from the brain, by the way and fades over time. Giving your life to others is the most wonderful Godly thing you can do. This is so interesting! Then add 3 to 10yrs that your investment, even though you pay for everything it does, hates you, is embarrassed by you and openly tells you this it starts to sound like a bad investment. Raising children is actually not hard if you don’t think the sun revolves around you. Work on that before asking anything from any woman. Happily married with a large extended family. In fact, you clearly point out that people who have children perceive more meaningful lives or experiences than those who do not. Massage Therapy. It’s pretty common nowadays to have kids who fail to launch, and kids to create their own kids who then get dumped on their patents, who now are stuck primarily or secondarily at the least, raising their grandchildren. And those things are determined by the individual. perhaps fewer people should have children than they do for the benefit of the planet and that of alot of peoples mental health but for others clearly they get something out of it and also provide a future generation for this planet! I never wanted children…..I prefer dogs, cats, horses and generally all non human animals. There are also many negatives when it comes to raising children that I don’t think I would be able to cope with if it happened to me: Anyway at this point I’m rambling but essentially it is one’s own choice and no one should be berated based on what decision they make. If you’re interested, check out my blog https://everythingunconventional.com/ that I started because I felt the need to consolidate ideas about living a less traditional life, and like you mention, different than past generations. That’s just a false, dogmatic statement. Thank you so much for your kind honesty. And to most standards, I have failed. A human being. Happiness to me is a state that you build by yourself and not everyone is made to enjoy loneliness that is one of the reasons why many people get married and have children. And so what???? Out of all my siblings, neighbours & friends who are parents I know of ONE person who I would say is happy & a good parent (her daughter’s needs & wants are met, as are hers) and has ever once said she regretted her choice. I feel like I would find it very hard to be happy with no time for myself. Learn the meaning of your dreams & how to get the most out of them! I never wanted kids but I got pregnant due to birth control failure many years ago. If it’s his kids, it’s not babysitting. Ever. I’ve been going back and forth for a while now on whether or not to have kids. However, life isn’t always that simple, as I’ve explained. I always get the question, “Do you not think your child will be lonely without a sibling? Thank you for your article. But, as much as I want to be inlove, I cannot gut the compromise, I am open, but I am not stopping fulfilling all my other dreams – my house, my career, my hobbies, my pets, my friends. Thank you so much for saying that Cristina. I most likely will have more money than any man who is interested in me, and if he refuses to sign a prenup and I agree to marry him anyway, it is my bigges tfear that he will blackmail me into doing anything I want for him (such as having children I do not want) otherwise he will divorce me and take me for everything I’ve got. Being a parent is a question of lifestyle, not a question of meaning or happiness. Screw happiness or meaning, freedom and solitude are priceless. So exactly why did you have a baby Yeah that kind of shit makes me never want to look after your kid. Good for you love it! Totally agree. Your point has just been annihilated old sport. But I am absolutely miserable and unlike many parents, I am self aware enough to realize it. And then there are times we will get cursed at by these very mentally ill women for no reason at all, since i know friends that are having the same problem as well. Decoration; by implication, the world (morally). In US, you have to give a job, a vacation, etc. One bit. Retrieved from https://waitbutwhy.com/table/the-experience-machine. But then again, I’m bleeding like a stuck pig and pissed at everything and I honestly came here just to unload some of that vitriol, so in all fairness, I’ve been extremely nasty in the last twenty minutes.i also regret nothing, because I truly do think people who blindly pursue parenthood are a few crayons short of a full box, and I truly do loathe when they bring their interrupting little flaptraps over to prattle on about some dramatic made up bullshit they expect me to a. We are not lucky because it was a choice not controlled by chance, it was a choice made not to be miserable. I’m surprised there are almost no women that responded to this article. To enjoy creation, other humans, Read Jordan Peterson: Don’t let your kids do anything that makes you not like them. Do you think this other perspective might also be part of the equation? I always felt like I didn’t want children due to my own personal childhood and a mixture of all the reasons already discussed (impact of this world on an innocent child, time and energy that it will consume, physical impact on my body). I wish I knew what I wanted a year ago, or at least listened to that voice inside me to get an abortion. Since I turned 30, I have a renewed sense of wanting to be a parent. Raising children is actually not hard if you don’t think the sun revolves around you.” Reading your comment really solidified what I’ve been thinking most recently. People who have kids and do feel happy and/or fulfilled, who feel compelled to respond defensively to negative comments or simply share how much they appreciate the article Perhaps I just don’t belong with the rest of the human race… This quest for misery – I will never understand it. You also clearly have a very low opinion of women in general, you qualify women who have no interest in talking to you as mentally ill, which is very entitled, misogynistic and shows that you are precisely the kind of man that has no emotional intelligence whatsoever, self-reflection, no desire to be better for his partner (but the delusion that his partner must be the one changing her life for him), no idea of fairness or equality in a couple. I know a few great, hands on fathers that are willing to help out with laundry, cleaning etc. First because I haven’t found the woman I can say I want to live the rest of my life with her and not with any other. But now i’m older I realize that I have to admit we do share a great proportion of lifes activities whether we like it or not, and we have children, just like we breathe, all together, all at the same time, and doing yourself without it isnt really prooving anything remarkable except making you a slightly illogical person? Also there is something called your chosen family, and you will be surprised how much more they will stick around if you choose well. She is the most self-absorbed, insufferable human I have ever met. Not everything happens to everyone. One brother after another have become drug addicts. Lindsay, sounds like you are doing great things! Later teenage depression. And yes, if you’re wondering if Grannie and pop got it on with a sleeping toddler next to them, you’re exactly right. If we weren’t so selfish, we would be happier in the first place. & not to stoke fear- but let’s not leave out all the health repercussions or unfortunate circumstances that could result from pregnancies; eclampsia, unmonitored/undetected gestational diabetes, post-partum cardiomyopathy & these are a few that can be fatal to a female. completely understand you and sympathise wuth you. God, I’d rather choke on my own vomit than endure that crap. 3. No, its not. I’m sure things will get better for you. It was almost like, back then, you’re life didn’t revolve around kids, their life revolved around you. Trying to get the kids ready for school every day when they do not want to go, getting their lunch ready and probably sacrificing the time to make your own lunch, only to have the children complain about everything you packed for them? And now two of the four are legal adults telling me I destroyed their life. I think it’s all a personal preference. It’s every kind of stupid I could ever imagine rolled into one ball of sleep deprived pain. Did you expect your family members to help baby sitting? I can clearly see why no woman would want to start a conversation with you. Good writing Seph. He’s right. Those who already had kids you made that choice and your children count on you to teach them. You are what you do and think about all day. Believe at all. You’d be happier for it. I live with moderate to severe chronic pain & illnesses. My strength however benefits her. Toddlers don’t worry about the existential questions in life but rather enjoy each moment for what it is, a practice I want to emulate. As a long – time sufferer of clinical depression and PTSD, I have spent many years learning the difference between happiness and meaning. I have to do little things that help others in other ways. I don’t get to indulge in self-care. If I had it to do again, I would have zero; this world is too cruel; the choice would not be for my happiness, but to prevent the suffering of another human. Anytime I find myself really afraid of what parenthood has to bring, I keep coming back to this, knowing I’m already in the practice of making meaning out of less than ideal circumstances, and I think I am going to be all right.

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